It happened. After 7 1/2 months, I caved to my parent's demands came to my senses and reluctantly went back to Framingham State. It wasn't a "happy happy joy joy" moment, not in the slightest sense. Rather, it was a crucial moment where I just gave in to their desires, and didn't fight for mine.

The story begins last week, Dad wants me to go back to college, and he still thinks there's a chance, while I'm not so believing about it. He calls up, tells me I can still get in. 

Decision time. Stay or go, stay or go? This time, the evidence swaying me to either side is almost nonexistent.

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I guess you could say a disastrous week of 2 back-to-back rejections was what got talk of going back started. Merely as a "last option", much like "enlisting" or "volunteer work" (no disrespect to either). It would always be between my dad and I, he would be always chipping away with "I hope you go back and finish" and I would respond with a neutral "uh-huh". 

I made it though the first few months, and it was more adjusting than it was difficulty. Sure, it was miserable, because I was dealing with a few things, a shaky friendship with a close friend, winter depression (I think), lack of funds, and complete confusion over what was next. To say these were trying times, is an understatement.

I never wanted to leave behind close friends, but with the way my life was heading, I acted out of rational fear, for my own self. Done with putting myself after everyone else, it was an necessary evil. I left with an ugly 

feeling of being out of place, and out of my mind.

Job hunting didn't really kick off till March, and still, it wasn't panning out. Apply, interview, put on a good show, get rejected, do it again in 2 weeks. They say the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, expecting the same results... yet we're told to never give up.

Contradiction? Maybe.

However, there was one shining light about all of this. Over time, music went from being "hobby" to "possible profession". Every day, it was making music, doing it better and better, day after day, learning from examples and mistakes, and just getting away from the short comings in the real world. It was slowly becoming the way out, the way to express all of my bottled up sh*t that I couldn't scream out, I couldn't say because I had no way of saying it.

So as you may or may not know, back in spring, I decided to find a school that I could learn about a facet of my passion and also, find people who were interested in it as well. A way to find inspiration and stay focused.

And then, reality comes around. Either the schools have lofty standards (basic music theory), are too expensive, or both.

So there it was. Got my stuff in order, but can't go anywhere with it. This leads to...

Going back to college, especially FSC, was not something I wanted, keywords "I wanted". It was more or less, my parent's desire. Maybe it's me, but maybe they saw embarrassment with having their oldest son be a college dropout, the 1st in the family. Maybe it was parental instincts. 

I'll never know, but for what it's worth... they were not for me dropping out. Since it happened, we've embarked on back-and-forth arguments about me being "lazy" by not wanting to go back to FSC, about how me making music and playing Xbox 360 in the daytime was a distressing sight for them.

Look... there's a reason why I did said things often. It was keeping me sane, keeping me from lashing out at people, keeping me from becoming a monster.

But back to the point. I never said that I wanted to come back. Never. If it was going to go down, it was going to go down because I thought it was right.

I already said no months ago, and I felt like that was it. Yet, it came back. And this time I caved.

So what's entailed with going back is a lot: a different definition (commuting), a good amount of close friends either graduated out or transfered (yes, I shouldn't be so heavy on who's there and who's not there... but everyone needs a support system), and in general, an uneasy feeling about coming back.

It's been only 2 days, and the feelings inside haven't quelled themselves. It just can't feel right. The decision doesn't bother me, it was the fact that I fought so hard to get my way, I was at peace with this all, and yet, I caved. I was fine without being back in school, that part of my life was over.

And now, it's all starting over again. Like hitting a big reset switch, sending me back to summer 2007. It's uneasy.... really. I liked being free, liked not having to spend all night worrying about GPAs, homework, everything that came with school.

Guess it'll figure itself out.

Song of the moment: Japan- Ghosts