Just Not Good Enough...
I've been meaning to write such a blog for the longest time, but I've never had enough ammo to carry out a full blog post about it, until today.
Coming home from my new job today saw me in a foul mood, a mood that I didn't want to experience for the longest time. At work today, I got chewed out. I got the riot act read to me for doing a few things wrong on my 1st ever assignment... the list reads:
- Not knowing that I had to drop off books at businesses even if closed. The rulebook and video tutorials never said one thing about "if businesses are closed, leave outside". They did say that I couldn't leave it in the hallways or outside.
- Taking 18 hours and driving 93 miles in 2 trips. Apparently, I wasn't supposed to document the entire trip, only the route. Again, never heard a single word/read a single line about specific documentation.
- Being unable to find some stops. My mistake.
The entire "1st day here" argument was useless. I just had to sit there and take it, and be told about a BULLSHIT blacklist if I quit the job right then and there... so I did the right thing, I went and fixed my mistakes.
Before I left, I had one more thing that unnerved me. One of the managers...OPENED UP MY CAR TRUNK WITHOUT MY PERMISSION. I was so tempted to say "hey! what the fuck are you doing with my car?!" but then again, an already tense situation did not need to be exasperated by acting human. I let him finish up, got in my car, he too read me the riot act... and I left to go back to Stow, with almost no gas, an empty stomach, and no cash. I was too mad to go home, I needed to drive...
And that's when it all hit me. That I was pretty much "not good enough" for so many facets of life.
My dad told me last night that the job I had wasn't "good enough". My friends don't talk to me because I'm "not good enough". My music is "not good enough". And get this... I'm trying. I'm trying as hard as I can to be "good enough" for people and myself... and it's backfiring on me.
So really, I'm at a crossroads. I'm sick of being in this position, where I do everything I can for something/someone and it just is not enough. I wish I had the guts to actually tell people to "go fuck themselves", tell them to take their expectations and shove them, and in other words, drop this "nice guy" approach so that I won't get taken advantage of over and over and over...
But I'm "too good" for that.
Song of the moment: Eminem - If I Had
4:27 PM
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Labels:
emotion,
freedom of thought,
reality
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