Larnel's Blog/Rant/Deep Thoughts

OK.

I’m lost. There I said it.

Now that I’ve put that to paper, I think I can start to explain my off-kilter scenario.

As of next month, I would be 2 years removed from graduation from college, and I’ve struggled to find a direction to go with since. Not to say I haven’t had one, but rather, I just can’t get out the bricks.

Let’s recap: I went to college back in 2007, under the Comm Arts degree program, estimated year of graduation, 2011. I went to school because I couldn’t do music full time like I hoped after high school. Of course, that was wishful thinking.

I knew deep down inside I wanted to do music, but the how of getting there was going to take some time.

I abandoned music for about 6 months, 6 months that were different. I went into college without a central direction. Just a goal to get a degree and fill in the blanks. I had a hankering for video editing and I think that’s what I wanted at least. I mean, I took some courses at high school and I was making strides but then I arrived to FSC and realized that things were different.

The closest I ever came to full on pursuit was the fall of 2008, taking a editing course and having a blast doing it. The next year I took another course in video tech but due to the extreme cost of things not to mention the shocking fact (to me) that it wasn’t as hopeful a market as I envisioned (every good job requires relocation), I freaked out.

Slowly and surely, the combination of bad grades, a confusion over my path post college, unresolved conflicts, personal betrayal, a romantic friendship and a severe case of self-abandonment drove me out of college for 6 months, where I was uncertain on if I would return. Only reason I came back was because I was politely forced into it by my parents.

So I returned to college, but this time there was no “go to college to get a career in this field” mindset, it was simply to escape and be done with it, and not have the stigma of “college drop out” or rather, “black college drop-out” hang around me.

I just went to class, cautious of all that had happened before and how I allowed everything to slip past me. It was a shell of defense I put up over myself. And gradually I broke this shell.

I found another field to pursue but it came at a later date.

As the time came for graduation I was just happy to be done, I had no exit plan, no “post-college” ideas going, just finishing up school and being…done. That was a mistake. And that was only amplified when I came within one point of graduating in 2013, and instead had to round back, drop out for the second time, and go through a depression of sorts. I didn’t go out, I stayed at home, I talked to almost no one about what happened, I just let it swallow me and I was of the mindset “it won’t ever work, so why try?”

So after another period of darkness I was once again forced to do this song and dance crap again, albeit in 5 weeks’ time. I just went through it, trying to reclaim my life from the throes of academia and attain freedom. I did.

After that, I went through the reality of the job market, with only an internship from 2012 as a marker of my potential and a connection. I found a job in Boston working at TD Garden for about 8 months, and after that wrapped up I went to a gas station to pay the bills for 3 months, quit in the midst of a hectic situation with management and rumors (untrue ones) about me leaving early one night. And then I was unemployed until I got a job at BJs in Northborough and I was there but I hated it, just felt like it was going backwards, and overly controlling in demands of life. I wanted stability, not chaos, not changing schedules, not a job that would be the same old stuff over and over again, the type of job that would become a fixture….

That’s where I think I lost my way in jobs. I have this fear of being stuck in a job for a long period of time and seeing my personal ambitions fade out. I heard it all the time from my co-workers, saw it all the time, and then I got really nervous, that I had spun into a lane that doesn’t allow an exit. I could see it now.

The job I started at 26, the job I stayed with until it was too late. When I couldn’t leave because I needed to stay for others who needed me to provide. Wife, children, family members. I just saw the future and I hated it.

However, that stuff doesn’t change as we hope. It stays a certain way, and it goes the way it wants. Case in point: my return to BJs’, 9 months after leaving for a job at Fenway Park (that I enjoyed but had a hard time justifying the pay vs the cost of getting to work/the exhaustion level). I was welcomed back but I’m very certain this won’t be for a long time. No longer than until something turns up.

Now I guess I need to find a passion that pays and something that I can make a career out of. Music production, video editing, photography, all of those thrown around. And for me, I need to find a path to get my foot in the door. Music production is my #1, mainly because I’ve been entrenched in music for about 11 years now and I’m getting more confident in my skill set. Video editing is something I can do now, but I just need to get projects. Photography works but it’s way too seasonal to be stable (school photos, weddings, and engagements come to mind).

I just feel frustrated because I’m getting older, and I’m worried that certain things are slipping away from me before I have a chance to make something happen. So there, that’s what I’ve meant to say for the past 2 months.

Memoirs of Brooklyn

Introduction: A Reason For Leaving Home

Burnout. Total burnout that had festered in me since late last year. Rock bottoming into a job I quite frankly didn't want because I knew it wasn't my type of job but fuck that, money rules right? Get a real job, don't dare step outside the parameters of your life that everyone has set for you since you were younger.

You are stuck in a job that pays well but eventually even your own father can't bear to see you working carts with a college degree you took 5.5 years of school to get. So you get a job doing something you like that pays less drains your bank account, sees managers quit left and right and you are happy but not happy. So what do you do? Can't work in the city, but working at home in retail and contract jobs isn't much better. Your skill set is useless in corporate America. Going back to school is a waste of time and money.

You turn to the arts. Because either you can die in retail helping people buy stuff for their gas station shops and get paid while you live with your life stuck to a 21 days lifestyle...or you can do whatever you can to be someone you like.

I guess I'm going on vacation because I'm tired of seeing the familiar ceiling every night and day for 20+ years now. Tired if driving 3 hours for 4 hours pay. Tired of realizing I've gone nowhere. Tired of having my family look at me like "where did we go wrong?" Tired of having ambitious goals curtailed by reality and eventual outcomes.

In short fuck my current life.

That was me, about two days before I left. A self-destructive lifestyle of late nights and early mornings finally got to me. I needed to step away from home, from everything for a good while.

Lucky me, I had a chance to go. The events all lined up...pro wrestling in Brooklyn, AfroPunk in Brooklyn, friends allowing me a place to stay...and money to spend. So after small deliberation, and consideration of the risks and danger--forget that, I booked the tickets and planned the weekend. Pay in cash, download maps, and make tracks to NYC.

DAY 1: Hello Brooklyn, how you doin'?!The bags are packed. The devices are charged. The tickets are printed. Dad drove me to the train station. We get there. I part and tell him I'll see ya later...2 days later.

I get on a quiet empty train heading to Park Street, my departure point that will get me to South Station, from there, I'm stepping on a bus and rolling to NYC. After a wild work period and insane load of work, I was ready to see an old friend, Zach Adams, and ready to see a few old favorites, Candiria, Suicidal Tendancies, and someone else, and of course WWE NXT Takeover.


"NXT Brooklyn Posters" by Source. Licensed under Fair use via Wikipedia - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:NXT_Brooklyn_Posters.jpg#/media/File:NXT_Brooklyn_Posters.jpg

Traveling from Boston to NYC was something that was in the works for a long time. Longer than previously mentioned.

Approx 2 years ago, I was planning a trip to Brooklyn for a show with my friends in Helicopria. The gameplan was simple, go to the release show, take pictures, and conduct interviews with the band for a special to run on Jones Rocktography.

And then my bank account had something to say about that. Foiled.

I always knew I wanted to leave the state of MA for NY and I was fortunate I chose a weekend like that.

So riding around on the bus was a decent experience, just a man, a notebook, a backpack, snacks, and two game systems, with bad wi-fi to give me the illusion I could watch Cowboy Bebop on my way there...nope.

We finally arrive in NYC, get off the bus and it's time to explore the city...while waiting for Zach to meet me up. I'm new here, just like Gil-Scott Heron.

One problem: Zach is asleep. And I'm calling him over and over and over...at that point, the first of many risks were taken: I braved NYC's subway system. With no experience and just a maps app telling me what line I need to take to get to Marcy, son, just thought I'd remind y'all.

(I'm sorry. I'll be doing this a lot)

So after a brief experience of losing money to the MTA I got my act together and finally took the right train to my friend's place. A bit too close to call but I had a lot of fun rolling into the area. From there, I finally meet up with Zach, set my stuff down, get a grasp of the surroundings and chill until it's time to make my way into the city for the events of the day.

One of the things I love about NYC is how easy it is to get anywhere on public transit because they have every tool to help you succeed in getting to your destination. no problem at all all. Interactive maps, destination notifications, maps all over, smartphone apps, it's all there.

Anyway enough of that, let's kick it to another point: How I nearly got scammed.

SUMMERSCAM 1/AFROPUNK

In the days leading up to the events, I had made plans to buy SummerSlam tickets from a seller in NYC. But there was one catch...I needed to meet up with him. So I went to the spot we agreed on, waited, waited, waited, and then realized they were a no-show.

I was kinda steamed. Moreso because I was potentially missing out on Candiria playing live.
So I jetted back on the train and tried to get there, got lost walking to the park, stuck in line checks, and missed them by 5 minutes. I dealt with it, and then of all the things to happen, the lead singer walks by me.

Too much of a geek on the street to know, I just observed. And I was in amazement.

Of course, that was off stage, on stage, a band called letlive. was playing and I caught some of their stuff. It was intriguing music I never heard of before and I made a note to check it out when I got back home.

After 2 hours there, I made my way to the Barclays Center for NXT Takeover. Of course I was needing to conserve money for the train home so I came up with the idea of WALKING to the place.

DERP.

NXT TAKEOVER

I made it. I was exhausted. But this was the epicenter of a night I won't soon forget. We can start with how friggin' nice Barclays Center is, or how awesome my section was (the certified G section) and how much fun we all had that night with in-jokes, comedy, commentary, cheers, smiles, and various events.

Best parts of the night:
-Enzo and Cass making their entrance.
-Everyone in my section saying "Hold #1 ARM-BAR!" in unison.
-Everyone in my section throwing up the Too Sweet handsign when Hall and Nash appeared on TV.
-Blue Pants.
-Somewhere a Sgt. Slaughter joke was made when he appeared on screen, prompted by me to say "I WANT MY COUNTRY BACK!"
-Also: the unannounced appearance of KANA from Japan's indie scene. Driving me into a "OH MY GOD IS THAT...NO WAY!"
-Bayley vs Sasha Banks - OK, let me preface this by saying I love women's wrestling, because it's cool and the stuff in Japan is insanely impressive. WWE made a mockery of it over the years, off-set by a few talented performers breaking through, only to fall back down or be held down by a terrible supporting cast that looks pretty but cannot lock up.

The NXT Women's division was a step in a new direction. Every performance was a step forward, and with every show, the cast began to flesh itself out. The shocking thing was that...the matches were great. Check that, they were stealing the damn show at every live event. But no one expected that we'd get a match that good.

We did. From the video package, to the entrances (Sasha came out in a friggin' HUMMER) to the match itself. On the edges of our seats, we were. All match long. Especially when Bayley busted out the rarely seen "Poisoned Frankensteiner" which is essentially a move where someone flips another person over and the opponent lands on their head. It's the coda to a wonderfully written moment in time, eclipised only by the ending where the division's leading stars all hug and embrace each other, closing the chapter on the rise of the division.

-Owens/Balor Ladder Match: wait...there was more to this show? Oh. Well then...it was good. Too safe but enjoyable. A good ending.

Made my way back to my friend's place late at night and trust me that is no problem in the city that never sleeps. Even if I botched the train route home and almost got lost in NYC's subways haha. I end my night by buying something from a Middle Eastern convenience store across the street from where I was staying and I nearly saw a car accident go down. I knock on the door, walk in to the apartment, talk about the show and the PPV and the fun I had and fell asleep...with a smile on my face.

DAY 2: Sights, sounds and SummerScam II
The day begins with me on the floor of an apartment in Brooklyn. My hosts are awake, I wake up, my phone is charging, I am happier than I've ever been in a month's time. I realized I lived my mission. To not wake up in my bedroom, to wake to an unfamiliar ceiling. To prove my escape from ordinary is possible. I felt refreshed, a little worried I couldn't get SummerSlam tickets,and intrigued about rolling back into the city for some exploration. And one more shot at SummerSlam tickets.

But first, breakfast. I got my meal on at the good old IHOP down the street. Good thing so many things are a short walk from the train, makes my day easier.

I eat up, the usual, a drink and French toast. Meanwhile, I try to negotiate a ticket sale for SummerSlam. I get another guy selling his, a place to meet, the money, a contact number, and we're off.

I'm going cross city for this, riding the trains all day to get to the spot, and he...doesn't show.

WTF.

At that point I swear off it entirely. I was totally fine with watching the event LIVE...from my friend's apartment on Xbox One. Good thing I have WWE Network, for $9.99/month!

So instead, I just bought a big ass order from Dominos and spent my cash on hand on a bunch of food. Good good times.

What's missing in this is how I loved walking around Brooklyn and exploring, being someone who was a stranger again, seeing new things, and learning how to survive, learning that you need to stand up on your own two, shed fear and self-doubt. That and I saw a woman walk by me with no top on.

That was...something.

Anyways, my time wrapped up in Brooklyn and I was starry-eyed. I loved being there. I loved how the city fit my lifestyle of 24/7 living, everything was accessible, and it was just so much fun...

In the early hours, I packed my bags and made my way to the train...to the bus station, to conclude my weekend. And it was there...where I waited for 3 hours to board a bus and got jipped but finally got home...hours later. Exhausted.

And happy. Isn't that the point?

(also I'm planning to go back next year. bank on it)

summer drives

it's funny. you get in your car, run a few errands and gradually open up about where you are in life. scary thoughts run through the mind and confrontation of issues begins to go down in due time.

last night was one of those nights. went out on the town, in search for some things, and in the trip from wal-mart to friendly's to the mall to honey farms, I saw a lot of things. Young kids on the streets and at the mall, and you see what could've been your past, that never happened.

and when you roll around, you see some sights that take you back. how much you miss friends and how much it hurts you can't see them this time of year. sucks a lot but you gotta roll with it..

dunno what else to say here, this is disorganized. but it's getting back together, slowly.

driven out

For the briefest period of time in the summer of 2010, I had hit the lowest of lows. Surely and slowly, there I was, face down on the ground, once again stabbed in the back from a "friend" I trusted.

priority list

well, it seems life has returned to normal. for the first time in years, there's nothing wrong, nothing overly troubling, nothing at all that could put me in a place I don't want to be.

you have no idea how refreshing it is.

after a rough 7 months of loniness, dejection, heartbreak and discovery...essentially, it's all over now. i've come to terms with a lot of things in life, from where i'm going, to where i've gone.

essentially, i'm single for the forseeable future and to be honest, i'm fine with that. i learned the hard way that being a headcase is not the way to win someone over...it's the perfect way to lose them.

that period of time where i truly lost myself after realizing i had, in essence, fucked up a real good friendship bordering on relationship was the last straw...the point where i realized that truly "girls can't be #1" anymore. me first...fuck your needs, I gotta do me. not saying I've altered my stance on women and made them look like dirt to me (trust me, I don't) but I'm not going to make any girl a priority until she wants to do the same.

top shelf? no...it's realism.

i admit, i am envious of some of my friends getting in relationships and being so happy. puts me in 3rd wheel status. but you know, i'm man enough to not be dependent on being around people.

obviously, i do have regrets about the way things went down and i wish i could go back and fix shit, at least show initiative about how much i respected a friendship....but you know, she's got a boyfriend, a guy i'm cool with, who i knew from high school. and i'm man enough to act like a friend to him, to say hi, to not act all emo and hate his guts for filling in the role i wanted and tried so hard to make work.

there's one thing I wish i did. I wish i could've told her, "thanks for being there. thanks for being the best friend a guy could have when the world didn't want me, when i hated myself so much i didn't see myself past 22 years of age....for being one of the last few people in my life who i can trust as a friend without fear of reprisal or awkwardness. thanks for giving me hope i so badly needed."

but it's too late to change. she's happy with her BF, i'm happy all by lonesome. either way, we're happy.

and that's all that matters.

Daybreak Drive

Picture this, you drive back from work, after 3 solid hours, and instead of going straight home, you go the scenic route.

Your reward for your risk: The sun rising over the mountains, the changing clouds, and the infinite amount of pictures you could take if only you had your camera ready. Along with a soundtrack that is varied yet unified in the chill factor, only enhancing the experience.

And to wrap it all up, you hear the Super Mario Bros theme as you pull into your driveway and the sun is almost up over the trees, and the block is as quiet as you would expect. Peace... rare but for once, it happened.

Like the world telling you, "Congrats for a job well done. Now go to sleep."

Kick of the Week: AKI Wrestling Games

It seems that every week, I have a different thing that just captures my imagination and addicts me. It's either a band, a movie, a TV show, or a game. I like to call it "the kick of the week".

If you know me, then you know that I am a pro wrestling nerd, for 9 years now. Over 9 years, I've been a fan in evolving characteristics. From "mark" to "smark" to "uninterested" to "full-on geek", I've been everywhere with it.

There was always one thing that went in hand with my love for pro wrestling: the video games. More specifically, the games produced by AKI, a Japanese game developer. From 1997 to 2000 (and a brief stretch in 2003-2004), they had one of the best engines in wrestling game history, a play control system that put you in control all of the time, and tried to evoke realism in a pre-determined sport.

Let's start with a brief walk through Memory Lane:

"I've had it up to my lip... with the nWo!"

1997. The year where gamers found themselves in amazement over 007 multiplayer sessions, Diddy Kong's aviation/driving/hovercraft piloting skills, and a young guy with a giant sword getting some friends together and taking down another guy with a giant sword. Among all of this, there was WCW vs nWo: World Tour, the N64's 1st wrestling game in the USA. Having the WCW and nWo rosters represented, along with a ton of "uncanny resembles" of famous Japanese wrestlers created a fun, intoxicating game that exploded with multiplayer action in the 4 person battle royal.

Highlights of game: unmasking wrestlers with the eye gouge submission, getting eliminated from a battle royal and dragging your eliminator under the ropes by his feet, the 1st time you won via TKO, the "groin smash" attack...

"Revenge is just too sweet!"

1998 was the year of Legend of Zelda and Metal Gear Solid, and Pokemon, but in the greatness of 1998, there was the sequel to World Tour, that changed everything. WCW/nWo Revenge.

The basic rule for this game was bigger, badder, better. A bigger roster this time around, badder animations, better graphics and controls, and the new Costume Change option. And I'd be remiss to not mention the awesome Combo feature, which allowed you to string 10 consecutive strikes on your opponent. Ouch.

Highlights of game: Seeing interference for the first time... and screaming foul when you get double-teamed, Sting descending from the rafters, the Golden Hammer, AKI Man, playing as Eric Bischoff (and winning), hearing the Nitro theme play during instant replays....

A Changing of the Guard

"Austin 3:16 says...."

Just like in real-life, alliances come and go. And in video games, it's no exception. WCW and THQ's agreement came to an end in 1999, same as Acclaim and the WWF. What happened next was a rodeo of sorts... WCW teamed with EA (who will figure into this later on) and WWF teamed with THQ.

The WCW domination days on N64 died with WCW Mayhem. The WWF domination days began with WWF Wrestlemania 2000. You could say it was a picture perfect clone of Revenge with WWF branding, but there were some modifications.

First off, Create-A-Superstar. This was huge, N64 owners were used to Create-a-Freak back in the Acclaim days, but now, a simple to use creation feature put control in the fan's hands. Create-a-belt as well... and Create-a-PPV ($34.95 to play in your own event)... the game was stacked. Despite losing Combos, it gained a great season mode and a cage match (that is fun in small doses).

Oh, did I mention all the pre-existing superstars can be edited? Now that is awesome it itself!

"HE KICKED OUT! HE KICKED OUT!"

The following may sound like a love-letter of sorts...ah, screw it. I LOVE THIS GAME!

OK, now that's out of the way... the game that to many WWF gaming fans, is the ultimate wrestling game to make it Stateside (but what about Fire Pr-IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT YOUR GAME IS!). Create-a-Wrestler, Create-A-Stable, insane customization of in-game characters, most everything from the last game, and a Championship mode where Steven Richards, a perpetual mid-carder... is in the WWF title picture. I'm not making this up.

And there was the addition of the Ladder match (fun to the 10th power), Ironman match (Tag Team Ironman matches = the bomb), Guest Referee (let's relive the end of Survivor Series 1997 all over again!) and Survival mode, pitting you against 100 (!) superstars, the task to beat them all. I did it...once. Took 1 night. It's timeless fun.

And the soundtrack...the SOUNDTRACK... just listen to it.

End of an Era

2001. The end of the Monday Night Wars, the death of WCW and ECW... and AKI had made it's last WWF game for THQ, as Yuke's took over for all systems. Yuke's sure missed a lot of the features, such as blood, weight detection, good AI, and various other things.

2 years later, EA, after disgracing themselves with WCW, announce they want back in. Only thing is, they side with Def Jam Records. To make a fighting game. Featuring rappers. Developed by AKI.

This sounds like a grade A disaster in game design. So....

how did this work so well?

"We too gangsta for the Garden"

I point to this game totally immersing me into hip-hop, and being more fun than I would ever expect. It was WWF No Mercy in a blinged-out shell, that didn't feel like a joke, it felt like a honest effort from the developers to make a solid wrestling game, on the outrageous side. While lacking in customization features and stipulation matches, it had a fun story, awesome voice-overs and (at the time) sweet graphics.

The game did well enough to merit a sequel, Fight for NY. And boy, were there radical changes. Gone were the wrestling style moves, in it's place were street-fighting attacks. AKI had evolved... from wrestling to full-out fighting.

And it was all right.

Sadly, EA switched developers to a studio in-house, and sunk the franchise with Def Jam Icon. The lesson learned... don't take out AKI, unless you believe your franchise can live without them...

Oh...I almost forgot. There was one game in-between Wrestlemania 2000 and No Mercy. Virtual Pro Wrestling 2. It played like Wrestlemania 2000... only with all Japanese guys, the Combo system (!), and MMA fighters.

Seriously. Youtube it.

If ya smellllll... what L is cookin'! *entrance music plays*

Bangin' in my headphones