well, it seems life has returned to normal. for the first time in years, there's nothing wrong, nothing overly troubling, nothing at all that could put me in a place I don't want to be.

you have no idea how refreshing it is.

after a rough 7 months of loniness, dejection, heartbreak and discovery...essentially, it's all over now. i've come to terms with a lot of things in life, from where i'm going, to where i've gone.

essentially, i'm single for the forseeable future and to be honest, i'm fine with that. i learned the hard way that being a headcase is not the way to win someone over...it's the perfect way to lose them.

that period of time where i truly lost myself after realizing i had, in essence, fucked up a real good friendship bordering on relationship was the last straw...the point where i realized that truly "girls can't be #1" anymore. me first...fuck your needs, I gotta do me. not saying I've altered my stance on women and made them look like dirt to me (trust me, I don't) but I'm not going to make any girl a priority until she wants to do the same.

top shelf? no...it's realism.

i admit, i am envious of some of my friends getting in relationships and being so happy. puts me in 3rd wheel status. but you know, i'm man enough to not be dependent on being around people.

obviously, i do have regrets about the way things went down and i wish i could go back and fix shit, at least show initiative about how much i respected a friendship....but you know, she's got a boyfriend, a guy i'm cool with, who i knew from high school. and i'm man enough to act like a friend to him, to say hi, to not act all emo and hate his guts for filling in the role i wanted and tried so hard to make work.

there's one thing I wish i did. I wish i could've told her, "thanks for being there. thanks for being the best friend a  guy could have when the world didn't want me, when i hated myself so much i didn't see myself past 22 years of age....for being one of the last few people in my life who i can trust as a friend without fear of reprisal or awkwardness. thanks for giving me hope i so badly needed."

but it's too late to change. she's happy with her BF, i'm happy all by lonesome. either way, we're happy.

and that's all that matters.