-Written on Monday, continued into early Thursday-

Monday

Writing this blog today, I’m thinking about almost everything right now. Music, life, career paths, friends, broken relationships, etc. All while listening to the Downward Spiral on it’s 16th birthday.

Music wise, all the free time I have now is the best thing to ever happen to my music career. The complete breakdown I had in October/November factors a lot too…but the free time is key. I have more time to actually focus on what I love, what I enjoy, what I feel is more or less, my destiny.

I’d like to believe that a musician that endures a major set of hardships over a period of time, is more passionate towards their work and they try to express their feelings through it, either directly, or veiled in metaphors. I do like metaphors a lot more, because direct references are more blunt, and also, don’t last as long as a metaphoric song would.

Back to my point…I feel as if it’s my destiny to be doing music. No if, ands, or buts. Stupid sounding, yes….but don’t hate me because for the first time in years, I’m finally chasing something I wholeheartedly care about.

Unfortunately, I’m starting to realize that I want to make this my career. And I would need to possibly go back to school. One thing is…I'm not going back to FSC. No way. It’s like going back to an abusive girlfriend…you left for a reason, so what sense does it make to go back to the same place you left?

I’ve tried looking at Berklee..and I’m not good enough for those guys. No really,I am. That place needs a live audition….and I’m not in the position to get trained again. It would be nice to go there…but I guess it wasn’t meant to be.

Art Institute is too pricey. So…what else can I do? My friend told me about Full Sail, down south. If I could afford it, AND relocate to the Sunshine State AND get in…then yes.

Just looked at it. Seems realistic.

My parents were happy when I started telling them I was looking at schools. Nice, but at this point in life, brownie points are meaningless.

Ok…I believe I’m taking things a step too far here. I need to get back to basics and get a solid base in place again. And that takes time.

(Virtually) 3 DAYS LATER….

While we’re on the subject of time….I wish I could spend a lot more time with friends, because the times I’ve spent with people have been a lot of fun and have helped to get my mood back to where it should be.

About that…I have had perhaps the worst time mood-wise since I left. Being alone for most of the day may be fun, but it slowly sucks the life out of you, especially in winter. Everyone’s coming and going around here…it’s not right. Feels like people everywhere have a place to go, and me, at the prime of my life….just hang around at home, staying up late, waking up late, lather, rinse, repeat. Amazing how things wind up.

I don’t think my mood’s benefiting at all from being separated from my friends. That was the one upside of college: I’d always have people I could talk to about my shitty moments, at certain points during the day. It would be just like a videogame, try to get to the checkpoints of each day, recharge at each one, and try to reach the end of the level.

If there’s one thing I hate about where I am right now…it’s that I left some things at FSC unresolved. I finally, finally, got over all my fears, and told someone that they meant the world to me. After all this time, all of the worry, all of the water-testing, I laid my cards on the table. And now, we don’t speak to each other. Just like that. No warnings, no signs. Just the silent treatment.

It’s infuriating. I want to know the answers…I want to know what I did wrong…I want to know why this had to happen.

Guess what? I’ll never know…and to be honest, I understand. It just sucks that in the midst of my darkest hour, I may have lost the one person in my life that I cared about, and I’m in no shape to get over it, nor do I want to admit defeat and recognize that it could never work, that there was no “happy ending” after the hellfire and brimstone…

I have every reason to be angry at you. And yet, I can’t. I just can’t look at you with a feeling of rage and hate. Damn me and my “kind” nature…no matter how bad it looks, I somehow just have all the hope in the world regarding a person I trust.

I’m hoping to work things out…just that I’m concerned that my efforts will be in vain, and I’m only going to get hurt a lot worse than I am now. Late nights are unbearable recently, that’s when the loneness strikes. When it hits…ooh boy, the nights get long, the memories get real, and the wounds hurt 5x more.

I don’t know what causes me to have these memories of the good times haunt me late at night, but I guess I’ll never know.

It’s 3AM. I really should stop and go to sleep.

And publish this ranting stream-of-consciousness I call a “blog”.